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You read that right! Finally got published on Hubpages today. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s something everyone gets granted or just a select few. Nevertheless, read on:

Keys To Life: What’s On My Keychain (2014) 

http://vinette.hubpages.com/hub/Keys-To-Life-Whats-On-My-Keychain-2014

My car has been out of commission for almost a week now so I definitely understand the pain of this article. Avoiding drivers, bikers, other people, running for buses, waiting for buses….the list of public transportation/not having a car woes goes on and on, but I’ll let Kovie Biakolo do the ranting.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/5-daily-frustrations-of-being-a-pedestrian/

…someone will cat-call you and follow it up with something like, “Hey girl, you’re looking good in those tights. Maybe I could go for a run with you sometime?” I always wonder what goes through someone’s head when they cat-call. Like, what do people who do this think is going to happen? Maybe one day, in the interest of sociological experiments, I’ll turn around and say, “OMG. You’re the man I’ve been waiting for my entire life. Let’s get married!” I’ll let you know what happens. 

Just how do you do it pedestrians?!?! I don’t think I’ll ever understand. 

In the case that December 21 isn’t the actual end of our world, here are some tips to get you through December 22nd.

1. Blame your obnoxious behavior, from the previous day, on a concussion, or that you hit your head really hard and it, “rattled your brain.”

This is a good one, as it recently happened to me. Tell everyone that you just plain, CAN NOT remember that obnoxious behavior you took part in. Totally deny everything you did on December 21st. Poof! Problems (semi) solved!

2. Apologize for all of the “YOLO” things you did.

Today is the day people will understand (or maybe not), so take advantage of it. In the back of our minds, we all feared the end of the world, just let people know you may have had a slight over reaction to the end of the world.

3. Stop using the word, “YOLO,” but continue living by it. (You can start this now.)

Self explanatory, I think.

4. Return all of those expensive items you spent your life savings on.

Ok, so that vacation to the Bahamas, give that to me, but return everything else. It’s December 22nd, you’ve got bills to pay, Christmas gifts to give! Unless, of course, those luxury items can be made into Christmas gifts. In that case, keep them, but give them to others. Your bank account won’t feel too great, but you will!

5. Start promoting the next date the world is predicted to end. 

Wait a few days on this one. I know you’re trying to be hip and trendy promoting the new, “end of the world,” date but seriously, people are just going to think you’re bizarre, especially since you had a slight overreaction yesterday.  But believe me, 2013 is rolling around, and yes, there are bound to be alot of “end of the world” days.  C’mon now, 13? Get superstitious, America!

6. Go to work.

Emerge from your previously made, Y2K-now  apocalypse- shelter, follow your same boring routine, and yes, go to work. It sounds ridiculously mundane, but our society relies on individuals doing their jobs. Hopefully, you didn’t quit your job on the 20th, hoping you’d never have to return. In this case, start looking for a  new job.

Now, here’s a terribly made meme to get you through the day:

See you all tomorrow!

Do not misinterpret me here, I enjoy working in retail. But after holding multiple jobs in retail throughout my late teens and early twenties, I’ve begun to realize, no matter where a person works, he or she will encounter the same types of shoppers. And boy, do these people brighten my day. Well, not at the time he or she is my customer, but later on, when I recollect those instances (and/or realize I did the exact same thing I originally found to be an annoyance). Read on:

1. The “Can I Get A Discount?,” Customer.

Let me rephrase that: the, “Can I get a discount, when it’s already heavily discounted,” customer. This customer is the ULTIMATE McFrugal! He or she is the customer that walks into a Salvation Army, on 50% off day, and still tries to bargain the price. Or the customer that is making a purchase that is $1 but is trying to haggle it down to 50 cents. I understand, these are hard times we are living in, but seriously, hard times are probably the reason that item is marked down (or the product could just be really ugly and only likable by that one person).

2. The “I Just Want To Ask Questions” Customer.

This customer can be interpreted in three ways:

A. “I just want to hear my voice because I haven’t spoken to any other humans all day, so I’m going to ask you a bunch of pointless questions and not REALLY listen to any of your responses.”

This type of customer will pretty much keep asking the same questions, but in multiple ways. I can best describe this type to be similar to the Taco Bell menu. Everything is pretty much comprised of the same thing, but presented in various ways. For example, he or she will ask, “How much is this?” following up with, “This is, how much?” before you can even utter a single syllable.

Sometimes this customer will develop into the, “Let me enlighten you on every detail going on in my life even though we’ve just met,” customer. Sometimes you’ll care, sometimes you won’t.

B. “I’m just going to ask questions because I CLEARLY can not read any signage you’ve already put up,” customer.

Let me start with the top thing I have learned in retail: NO MATTER HOW MUCH SIGNAGE YOU PUT UP, THE CUSTOMER WILL ALWAYS ASK THE QUESTIONS YOU WERE ORIGINALLY TRYING TO PREVENT. Sadly, there is still the customer that looks with their mouth, as opposed to their eyes. My least favorite customer, in my opinion.

C. “I already know the answers to these questions but I’m trying to find the perfect moment to tell you I think you’re cute, but I’m really just being annoying,” customer.

He or she wants to continue talking to you because he or she thinks you’re attractive. Flattering, yes, but annoying at the same time, because well, you’re working. Understandable, and certainly normal, at a bar or social event but this is work. You’ve got a business to run, and your business isn’t speed dating events (unless, of course, it actually is). Now, this is the perfect time to segway into my next type of customer, as he or she will probably turn into this type if you choose your words wisely.

3. The “Can I Get Yo Number?” Customer.

Let me allow a YouTube video to explain this one:

Note: This type of customer will sometimes hangs around, or visits the store multiple times in one week. The most extreme will wait until you’re off the clock to ask you, once again, “Can I get yo number?” Sometimes he or she will even use, “your,” instead of, “yo.”

4. The Ultimate Tourist.

Wearing clothes clearly not for the current weather, with a map in one hand, and a camera in the other, and a fixed look of confusion on his or her face, this type of customer is unmistakeable. He or she will greet you in their oh-so-cute broken English and will more than likely say either, “Bye,” or “Tanks,” on the way out. If he or she asks questions, be patient with them, it might be their first time speaking English (Remember when you first visited a foreign country and only knew a few phrases?). Brownie points if you can say a few phrases in his or her language! It always seems to brighten this customers day.

5. THAT Customer.  

Oh, you know who THAT customer is. It’s THAT customer that stumbles into the store about 30 seconds before you are ready to close your doors, begin closing procedure and head home. THAT customer will walk around, for say, about 25 minutes, touch, disassemble, and ask questions about EVERY product, make a huge deal about their long trek to the store, walk around for another 25 minutes, ask for an impossible-to-find product in your stock room (you find it), and then leave with nothing. The plus side here is, you are probably incurring some overtime. The downside, you’re still  working.

And as a bonus, here is one more type of customer:

The, “Why The Hell Are You Here On Your Day Off?” Customer. 

This is your coworker.

And this situation is most comparable to those times when you go out for drinks with your coworkers and ask, “How was your day?” and then realize, “I KNOW how your day was. I was there for all eight hours of it. So it’s cool, you don’t have to lie to me and tell me it was awesome, when I clearly know it was just okay.” Depending on who it is, sometimes you’ll want to see him or her, sometimes you won’t, but you do know you’re envious because he or she is off, and you’re here….still working.

Found this gem while sorting tshirts at work today. I encourage alot of things in life but none more than voting and teaching. So vote, and then educate others to vote. In every election, not the just the big ones. As far as voters being better lovers, that remains to be determined. Let freedom reign! Happy 4th of July eve! Pretend the wrinkles are non existent.

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

 

Come December 2012, it’s will be a major motion picture. I’m soooo excited!
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